Do I deserve it?
The evening news is on the television in the background.
“GPs overwhelmed with COVID vaccine appointments, desperate patients unable to book in.”
“AstraZeneca shipments delayed from EU, Australia’s October deadine now impossible.”
My mother-in-law comments that as a recent cancer patient, she may be eligible for a vaccine in stage 1b of the rollout. She is pessimistic about her chances of being vaccinated any time soon.
At that very moment, I receive an email. “RESPONSE REQUIRED — COVID VACCINE APPOINTMENT.”
I am a first year medical student. I absolutely love my studies, and have relished the opportunity to spend so much time soaking up everything I can about medicine, science, ethics and community care.
I go to my local hospital once a week for tutorials. Now that my paperwork has been approved by the health department, I can start meeting patients for the first time, taking their histories and reporting back to my class. I would love to be vaccinated to reduce any risk to the patients I see, but I know there are so many others who should go first — even among medical students, those in the senior years have far more patient exposure.
Nevertheless, the email sits in my inbox. There is an appointment available for me one week from today to receive my first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. Of course, I will take it.
But, part of me feels guilty. Does my work, a mere handful of hours at hospital each week, make me important enough? Surely there is someone more deserving who should go first?
I am not used to being a “frontline worker.” After barely a month in medical school, although I have learned more than I thought possible, I am keenly aware of how far I have to go. I am in awe of the countless medical professionals who know infinitely more than me, and are in a position to do so much more good in hospitals, clinics, and anywhere else that they work.
I have been debiliated at times by imposter syndrome throughout the process of starting medical school — surely there was another applicant who would be better than me? Younger, with higher marks, with less chronic health issues and barriers to a dynamic career in medicine? Do I deserve to be here?
I have settled into medical school, and realised that everybody feels imposter syndrome at some point. However I didn’t expect this haunting feeling to follow me this far, making me question whether I deserve to get a life-saving, world-changing vaccine. I am the first person I know to receive the vaccine, despite knowing many medical professionals and “deserving” individuals.
I am grateful. To our global community, who poured money and resources into the development of COVID vaccines. To the researchers who have spent their whole careers preparing for such a time as this. To the Australian government, for procuring and rolling out multiple vaccines on a truly unprecedented timeline. And to hospitals, doctors and patients, for allowing students like myself to observe, listen and learn, so we may prepare to be the medical professionals of the future.
I still don’t feel like I deserve this vaccine. But I will roll up my sleeve on Thursday, and again a few weeks later. Then, I will work hard to give back to society who entrusted me with this privelege of early access to such an incredible gift.
